I am back.
The worst is over, and behind me. I walk away making no attempt to hide my tracks. Smooth criminal indeed. Yes, I have pulled out of a very troubled period. It took some effort and a lot of work. Literally. The only thing that can fill the Void is being occupied. Emptiness and Emptiness mate and multiply faster than rabbits.
Just being conscious of the fact that I have no control gives me so much more control, I told her.
She smiled, we are good then.
–
I have spent a lifetime making mistakes and living by them. I guess it’s high time that I broke out of the cycle. Alright fine, I care two hoots about engineering. Hell I don’t even think I am an engineer. Yet, it stings when people point that out. Because I would love to believe that I am a good impressionist. Yes, I prefer impressionist to impostor.
But you loved Aero, didn’t you?
I thought I did, but what I loved was the idea of flight, of wresting free of gravity, of Icarus and of melting wax, of fragility and freedom.
It’s like becoming a gynaecologist because you enjoy watching porn, I told a friend.
It cracked him up.
–
The last few weeks have been fantastic. The miracle I had prayed for forever was granted: I saw snowfall. How was it? Hmm, let’s just say I wish I had prayed for a plate of pani puris instead. I have also discovered a sport (?) I don’t naturally suck at – skiing. That is probably because I am already pigeon-toed and walk with a slouch too. Just strap some skis on and go down a slope. That’s easy.
Started working part-time at an early stage start-up too. Will publicize it shamelessly once the product launches. As of now, I am happy working with some amazing energetic people, taking an idea to fruition. That’s my career goal of the month: become an entrepreneur. I think Silicon Valley is rubbing off on me (am I the only one or does that sound incredibly lesbo?). Anyway, last month it was venture capital. Non-profit the month before. Let’s see how long this lasts.
And Margaret Atwood. Her writing brings me to life. If someone could assure me that I could write half as well as she does, I would drop everything and pick up a pen.
22 responses so far ↓
neha // March 14, 2009 at 8:37 pm |
Amrita,
This was a beautiful post. I absolutely loved the “just being conscious…”. And I quite identify with the making of mistakes and living by them. Am in the process of breaking out of the cycle myself, and it may feel different, but very very liberating (or so I feel).
Good luck with the new job
.
neha // March 14, 2009 at 8:38 pm |
And can I assure you that you do write half as well?
Addy // March 15, 2009 at 11:21 am |
(Big Hug)
Addy // March 15, 2009 at 11:22 am |
Wait a minute! Do you mean you could have conjured pani-poories? Hug cancelled!
storminacup // March 15, 2009 at 11:41 am |
I’ve heard that gynaecologist thing before! From you only kya?
If you think you write half as well as Margaret Atwood, you should drop everything and pick up a pen. If you just pick up the pen without dropping some of the other stuff, it might still work
Amrita // March 15, 2009 at 1:25 pm |
@Neha: Thanks. Let’s hope both of us have good luck breaking out of the cycle.
@Addy: Thank you too (in no small measure), you know why.
And yeah, snow was a tad disappointing.
@PPS: Must have been me only. I have said it to at least 4 ppl.
Gyno in training // March 17, 2009 at 12:52 pm |
Wait… so why do you become a gynecologist? Is it not for the love of the whispering eye?
Aparna // March 17, 2009 at 8:09 pm |
You are talking of sublimation here, turning unwanted or difficult to experience impulses into something less harmful or more acceptable or more easily available. Porn and gynaec dont fit at all. Funny I have not heard that gynaec joke before.
But this can only come from a non doctor who does not have any idea what the field is about. It is about little babies and obstetrics, and operating open or laparoscopy, endocrinology, biology, assisted reproduction high tech stuff, dying patients, extreme emergencies and internal medicine stuff. Porn????
By the way, you do write very well, more than half as good as Atwood does. That book should get written.
Amrita // March 17, 2009 at 8:15 pm |
@Ish: haha.
@Aparna: Hey Aparna, no offence meant, really. The point of the analogy was just to highlight the ridiculousness of my choice. Like you said, there is absolutely no relation at all between gynaec and porn. Just like there is no relation between the love of flight as a concept and the engineering of aeroplanes.
Geez, now I am embarrassed. I had to explain my analogy in 50 words. That can’t be good for someone who wants to be a writer
Aparna // March 17, 2009 at 8:57 pm |
The thing Amrita, I think, is that you end up being exceptionally good at whatever you do and that is mistaken by everybody to mean that is what you love to do. But you have had the courage to recognize very early in life that you are not happy being an aero engineer though you are obviously brilliant at it, gold medal et al. That does take some gumption, honesty and stength. So be kind on yourself. You will find that path that is your very own. The choices you call mistakes now are the ones that will lead you to your goal. Atleast now you know aero and engineering are not for you. What if you had never entered engineering or IIT. You would have always wondered what if? You will continue to make choices that will look like mistakes later but that is life, a series of hits and misses. The journey is what matters really not the destination.
Stroller // March 24, 2009 at 3:57 am |
Being brilliant at something that you don’t like and consistently excel in it is truly exceptional.
I bow to thee.
~Stroller
Aniruddha // March 24, 2009 at 8:18 am |
is it okay to say that i hate what i do too,then?
friend // April 4, 2009 at 5:14 am |
All the ways on which you are going take you to goal of your life if you do your job well and know the right direction and right way on right time.
It requires self discipline .
Vibhanshu // April 17, 2009 at 10:29 am |
The new header is so chic
Vibhanshu // April 17, 2009 at 10:29 am |
BTW you headed to HBS ?
infoshare213 // April 17, 2009 at 10:34 am |
wow, yes! love the header!
neha // April 17, 2009 at 10:34 am |
love the header!
Stroller // April 20, 2009 at 6:13 am |
Are those your feet?
~Stroller
Stroller // April 20, 2009 at 6:15 am |
Yes and i love the header too.
~Stroller
anon // May 3, 2009 at 9:31 pm |
I wish I had the slightest right to comment on this post.
C // May 18, 2009 at 9:38 pm |
Hey Amrita,
I must admit I’ve always consciously avoided reading good blogs because I end up feeling depressed and insecure. But I spent a very engaging hour at work yesterday and thought I should thank you for it. I really envy people who can do justice to that moment, emotion or experience. And the envy apart, it actually led me to ramble a bit myself:-)
Cheers!
Chaitrali
Deepti // August 31, 2009 at 5:30 am |
I love Atwood!!! She is brilliant!!